How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
