i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Damn victory sex feels great
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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