I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
