i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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