i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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