The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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