Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Randomize
