Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
