true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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