dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
