Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
