My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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