You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
