im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
