She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
We left an ass print on the piano.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
