I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
