i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
being pregnant is like rehab
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
