I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
