new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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