I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
