is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
