1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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