Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
