I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
