i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
