I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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