my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
