i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
