dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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