She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
