Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
