So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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