You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
