i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she smelled like a LAN party
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
