...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
