I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
