dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Everyone says I win the strip club
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
