Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
