Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You need Xanax blowdarts
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
