Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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