His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
