Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
