I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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