it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
