theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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