New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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