I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
