There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
