the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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