i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
