I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
