Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
