OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
